So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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