took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
