the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
