Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
