Your face is a jimmy john
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
