i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
