I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize