so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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