I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
