Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
These tits shall not be calmed
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