I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
