Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
