I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
