I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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