I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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