Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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