I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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