i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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