a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
