I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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