So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
