It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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