I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
