I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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