Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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