At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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