My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
