I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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