peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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