sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
