Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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