Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
