I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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