Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
