im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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