hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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