How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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