and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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