Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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