You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
