there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
