If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
