I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
