sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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