Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
