a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
