I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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