I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
