whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
