someone owes me an orgasm
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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