I wish my penis had an off switch
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Randomize
