Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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