Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
