my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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