So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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