K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
