I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
