Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
