i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
