My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
