Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
