He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize