who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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