Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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