i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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