I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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