Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize