I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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