The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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