I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
